18 Rules To Keep My iPhone? No Thanks.
I woke up this morning to many posts about Janell Hoffman, the mom who gave her son an iPhone for Christmas which was accompanied by a list of 18 rules that he has to follow if he going to be allowed to keep “his” phone. I commend Janell for taking responsibility as a parent and laying out some expectations for her son.
In fact, most of the rules are pretty reasonable and cover a lot of the mistakes that young people make these days with such powerful communication devices.
However, I question some of the rules. So many of them seem to be about controlling her son and his behaviour I suspect that they are going to work against Janell’s goal of teaching her son to be “a well rounded, healthy young man who can function in the world and coexist with technology.”
Rule 1: Who owns the phone…mom or her son? She says “you are the proud owner of a new iPhone” and then in Rule 1 she says “it is my phone.” I hope that not all gifts are given that way. Her son needs to learn to take care of and take pride in himself and his things. He won’t be able to do this if everything is on loan from mom.
Rule 4: Turn the phone off at night? Don’t communicate with your friends by phone if you would not call them? The way that teens communicate has changed. It always has and it always will.
Rule 5: It seems to me that you are trying to teach your son a little about self-regulation. That’s going to be tough when you are regulating every moment that he is able to use his new phone. What better place to learn that self-regulation than at school. There are rules at school, about when a student can and cannot use a cell phone. If it gets taken away by a teacher…he will have learned his lesson.
Rule 9: Allow your son to have realistic conversations with his friends. You have set out a great guideline…but it should be just that, a guideline.
Rule 10: I’m glad that you have created a healthy open environment for your son. There are things that he is going to search for online. That is okay. He will have questions and things that he will want to discuss with his friends. That is okay. Thirteen may be too young for pornography…but he should have some privacy with his internet time.
Rule 15: This may be a better suggestion than a rule. I hope you don’t tell your son what clothes to wear, what movies to watch. Don’t tell him what music to download.
Rules 6, 7, 8, 11, 12, 13, 17: All wonderful. So many parents are afraid to say things out loud. Stating these things lets your son know that you know what happens when young people use these devices.
In the end, I believe that you and your son are better off. It is better to have received his iPhone with a list of expectation than to not have had any discussion about it at all. But please…give your son a little more freedom and allow him to make mistakes. His mistakes and the lessons that follow will be the greatest way for him to learn right from wrong and how to navigate the social world that he (and his phone) are now a part of.
Michael is a social worker and therapist in Toronto. He specializes in working with teens and their families.
Michael will be presenting a workshop Talk To Me, Not Your iPhone in February 2013. Please contact Michael for more information.
January 1…Set Those Goals.
We’re just a few hours into 2013. Happy New Year. Now is the best time to forgive yourself for everything you did not accomplish in the last year. Let’s look toward the future.
You don’t always need a date or time to start that thing that you want to accomplish, but some people do…and what better time than a new year.
Whether your goal is to be smarter financially, lose some weight, take more time for yourself, get better grades in school, get and stay organized, reconnect with old friendships…here are my 6 1/2 suggestions on how to achieve the goals that you want!
1. These are GOALS, not new years resolutions – Notice how up until that last sentence, I never used that term. While the new year can be a great motivator, it should not be your reason for wanting to make change. What happens too often, is people hit the second week of January and say “well, I’m already off track, I might as well give up.” Goals are meant to change and be adjusted to fit your life. You can use the new year as a time to make change, but remember that change that can happen at anytime.
2. Be Specific – Being specific about your goal leads to the most success. Look at your overall goal and think about what it is that you want to achieve.
3. Make it Measurable – Now you know what you want to achieve and how you will do it. The next step is to give yourself a tool to measure that you have achieved it.
4. Ensure your goals are Attainable and Realistic – Setting a goal is something that we do when we want to make positive changes in our lives. Setting attainable and realistic goals will ensure our success. Unattainable and unrealistic goals will not be achieved and will leave us discouraged when we inevitably fail at achieving them.
5. Make sure it is Time-Bound – You’ll need to set a date so that you’ll know when you have to re-evaluate your goals and also when you have achieved them.
6. Write it down – You want to see your goal at least once everyday. Put it somewhere that you will see it. In your closet, on your bathroom mirror, as the wallpaper on your cellphone. Being reminded of your commitment to yourself will ensure that you achieve what you set out to do.
6 1/2. Don’t be upset if you don’t achieve or have a setback. That’s life. Take it in. Try to understand why it happend…and move on.
Please contact me if you want to know more about setting goals, achieving your best or making 2013 your best yet!
Wishing you all the best for a happy and healthy new year.
michaelbwaxman.com 